A sheriff walks the dusty, dirt road through the town, looking from left to right and back to left as he attempts to ascertain any tomfoolery in his town. His spurs clank and rattle as he takes each step, alerting anyone close enough to hear that he is nearby. His black cowboy hat blocks out the shining rays of the sun looking to pierce his retinas. The black hat appears to eat the light, perhaps an allusion of death. A revolver sits in its holster, secured to the waist of the sheriff.
People notice the man walking the street and begin to shut their windows and doors. They don’t want any trouble and they don’t want to give the man any reason to darken their residence. The few stragglers in the street scamper off, not wanting to be the target of any berating, investigating, or interrogating.
“Get in the damn house now, Beulah,” a mother says to her young child as the child watches the man curiously.
The man continues to walk the road and bask in the fear of the townsfolk, happy that they know who is in charge.
*machine gun fire is faintly audible nearby*
Whirling to the left, the man’s gaze rests upon a wooden house that seems barely held together by dilapidated boards and rusting nails. He has seen the house many times on his rounds, but has often ignored it due to it being consistently silent. But this time, to his delight, there is something worth investigating in this house he has always wondered about.
He strides over to the house, almost breaking into a run. He cannot contain his excitement as he feels the hairs on his arms and legs stand up on end. He feels a hot feeling in his cheeks and stomach, not unlike the same feeling of when he has been in a shootout. He stops in front of a poor excuse for a door, contemplating whether to knock or not. He settles for something he feels is far more threatening.
“Open up! It’s the sheriff!”
He can hear whispers and multiple footsteps rushing around the creaking boards. He hears a door open in the house and some clattering before the door is closed. The footsteps rush back to where they formerly were, and the door opens. In the doorway stands a raggedy young man in his early 20s. His tattered clothes are soiled and clotted with dirt. The sheriff looks past the man and can see three other young men in similar appearances.
“What’s going on in here, fellas? I heard what sounded like gunfire.”
The young men, attempting to hide their fear, look to each other before the door opener turns back to the sheriff.
“We were just playing with our toys.”
“Toys, huh? You won’t mind if I come in and see those toys, now?” the sheriff said as he pushed past the young man.
The house looks barren, with almost no furniture save for a few wooden crates. He sees a candle holder to the right of a crate pushed against the wall with a halfway-burned unlit candle. He notices something on the wall that he has never seen before. It is a white rectangle with two sets of…he doesn’t know. It looks like three holes ornately arranged into a weird triangle. What the hell is that, he thinks to himself.
He looks for the nearest door and opens it. Three of the boys stand frozen, while one slowly inches towards the door. He tries to be as quiet as he can, stepping on boards that won’t creak. The sheriff unholsters his weapon and cocks the hammer in a dizzying speed.
“You will not move if you value your life at all.”
The boy freezes in place, awaiting the sheriff. The sheriff quickly looks around the room but finds it empty. He sees another door and enters the next room. He sees that this one is empty as well. He just about turns to leave when he notices something: the floor is dusty except for two boards in the middle of the room. He saunters over to them, bends down, and lifts one up. It immediately comes away from the floor. He lifts the other clean board and looks inside. In front of him is a white rectangle with some weird strings attached to it. He sees four two-handled object that he cannot identify. On the side of the rectangle, he sees a green X. There is another slightly larger rectangle with another thick string coming from the back. The front of the rectangle looks shiny. He stands up and looks to the boys.
“This is the toy you spoke of?”
The boys grimace in fear and nod their heads in confirmation.
“Well, show me how you use the damn thing!”
Two of the boys grab the items from the hiding spot and rush them to the main room. One boy sets up the bigger rectangle on the crate against the wall. He takes the string and puts the metal attached to the end into the small, white rectangle attached to the wall. The other boy lays the rectangle with the X on the ground, puts one of the strings with the three metal pieces into the same small white rectangle, and takes the other string with a long piece of metal and attaches it to the large, shiny rectangle. The sheriff watches all of this in pure confusion, having no idea what is going on.
The four boys each take a two-handed object. The boy who opened the front door pushes the X on the rectangle with two strings, and he pushes a button on the shiny rectangle. Suddenly, a picture forms on the shiny part. Xbox 360, the sheriff reads. His jaw drops as he realizes it isn’t a picture. It’s a series of pictures!
The boys navigate all of the pictures and settle on one: Left 4 Dead. They wait for a minute as the screen is black. They navigate through more pictures. Suddenly, the boys perk up as the pictures begin moving. What the hell is this, the sheriff wonders as he watches in amazement. He watches the boys’ hands and the screen, noticing that the boys are controlling characters on the screen! The characters pick up guns and equip them. The boys’ characters open a door and feral looking people rush up the flight of stairs behind the door. The boys’ characters begin firing their guns, killing all of the people rushing at them. The sheriff watches in horror at the violence of the game. He looks at the boys’ faces and see smiles and admiration in their eyes. He points his gun at the shiny rectangle and pulls the trigger, shattering it and turning the picture black. The boys shriek in fear as the picture disappears and from the discharge of the weapon. They cower in fear, thinking they are next. The sheriff rips the strings out of the wall and grabs the rectangle with the X attached.
“You will not use this toy any longer. With the power vested to me by the US Government, I declare this toy violent and unsuitable for young people!” He storms out of the house with the rectangle stowed safely in his arm by his side.
This week on the Chompcast, we discuss the news that a U.S. Senator introduced legislation to ban loot boxes and pay-to-win microtransactions in games aimed towards minors. We also discussed more Katana Zero, Pokken Tournament, Final Fantasy 14 and 12, and Detective Pikachu. We also picked some listener comments regarding the topic and revealed the results of both the IG and Patreon polls.
If you are interested in the wares of our awesome sponsor, Sassy D Merch, check them out at sassydicks.com.
Times:
Intros - 0:27
Detective Pikachu (no spoilers) - 8:26
Loot Box Legislation - 15:03
Listener Comments - 37:59
Katana Zero (spoilers) - 1:22:49
Final Fantasy 14 - 1:51:56
Final Fantasy 12 - 2:05:28
Pokken Tournament - 2:15:10
Weekly Polls - 2:19:44
Sassy Dicks ad - 2:35:34
Recorded May 10, 2019